A few days ago, Thanksgiving Eve, a cherished friend died of a massive heart attack.
Maryann P. was only 54 and seemed like she was in good health.
She was a nurse and even with her vast medical knowledge was not apparently aware of a pending collapse in her health. She did not smoke, drank socially, was eating healthier and took care of others as well.
As I write this, I have a few leads on my arm to a pic line for intravenous nutritional feeding for Crohns complications. I feel vulnerable health wise and can't seem to stop crying about my friend. I imagine most of my fear comes from family history of heart disease. Crohns issues involving pic line placement left me with several blood clots.
We really have no control over our longevity or lack there of but it is something we all think about at least once. I ask myself after every surgery (which are many) "Why am I still here?" "What is my purpose?" There must be a reason. I've never really given in to feeling sorry for myself, in fact the opposite.
The last few days I've felt sorry for my own situation dealing with CD. I've suffered for over 30 years and still manage to push on. Other Crohns patients have died from CD and complications. Today I am terrified when all these years I "thought" I wasn't afraid.
Am I alone in my feelings of vulnerability? Do you believe people can sense when their time in earth is coming to an end? I remember before my grand pop died, he started talking about my grand mom who passed away 20 years prior. I knew he was sensing his final days. He died the following month. He helped me prepare for his death if that makes sense.
